The Lonely Pressure: Pakistani Men and Money

Talking or thinking about money, for most of us stress is inevitable. In Pakistan where primary earners are often thinking of generations before and after them the weight only grows heavier.

And though money being stressful seems to be a shared feeling, people rarely talk about it, making financial pressures and burdens incredibly lonely.

We spoke to a number of Pakistani men about how they feel about money issues and their fears and loneliness.

“I can’t talk to my family about it because I feel guilty, everything I am is because of them,” said Muzzamal, originally from Lahore, he works abroad and sends money back. “I also don’t really feel comfortable talking about it with friends here that I send money home that what I earn is not just for me but for the whole family.”

When asked if that felt lonely, he said, “honestly, yes, which is also hard to say outloud.”

“It is quite lonely. You cannot share your economic shortfalls with parents as they’ll stress over it, which you don’t want either,” said Hamza who is studying to be a Civil Servant. “Not all of us are close to families or even friends to talk freely about how we feel about a certain thing/topic.”

With rising inflation and Pakistan’s economy taking a number of hits exasperated by floods and political instability; the frustration is only growing. Planning for the future has been especially tough for some Pakistani men.

“I can't speak for everyone but personally, being the eldest, I was somehow preconditioned into thinking about my family, my siblings and expenses before taking any decision in life,” Shamyl shared with us.

A student in Rawalpindi, Shamyl shared the sentiments many sons feel, that they have a responsibility to their family – whether it’s been explicitly said or not.

“It's weird man. It's saddening to. I don't even want to go for a masters because of the expense even though my parents want me to. I feel terrible and I don't want to keep using their money,” said Shamyl. “With this economy, all this just gets inexplicable times worse and I fear that I will not be able to provide the same living and class standards to my parents, siblings and family as my hardworking parents provided to me.”

Abdullah, who works in Islamabad, similarly shared how he finds it hard to see a future where he can match the lifestyle his parents provided for him.

“I feel like I'm always failing to catch up. I will most definitely not be able to replicate what my parents could do,” said Abdullah. “I'll most likely go downward in class mobility in a few years.”

When asked if he spoke to family or friends about this, Abdullah shared that never with family and maybe here and there with friends, but mostly, “I don’t talk about it.”

“I think about once a day I think about how long realistically I can last here; I am one injury or health scare away from being completely broke and I am terrified,” said Ali who works in Karachi. “And I struggle to say it out loud, that I am scared and feel alone. I wish more of us talked about this, because we all live here so we must all be feeling it right?”

GENERATIONS OF MOMS TALK MONEY

Moms have to make many decisions every single day, including financial ones.

We spoke to three different generations of moms from the same family to see how they manage their money.

We started with the eldest of the family Rakhshi Asghar, mother of four, grandmother of 11 and great grandmother of 8, self-described as “very careful with money.”

“I have always been a saver, and very frugal,” she laughed. “Everything I buy I see as an investment. I always say ‘take care of your things, and they will take care of you.' This is a money lesson because each thing we buy should be done carefully and then treated with respect. It should last for you.”

Rakhshi also shared the money tip she picked up from her own mom, maintaining a money diary or ledger.

“My mother wrote down each rupee she spent. Whether it was groceries or a small buy like a hair clip or something from the market, even today I write everything down as I go,” said Darakhshanda. “It’s a good practice so you never guess where your money has gone or how much you have spent”

“It’s something I told my daughters and their daughters to do as well.”

“Well, I never did that,” said Tina Malik, daughter of Rakhshi and mother of two. “My mother was always pushing us to save but I did not listen, something I regret now.”

“One lesson that did stick though - whatever I have if I can spare for others, I must,” said Tina, “if you can, always give. But otherwise, I am definitely a big spender, a sort of 'hope for the best' big spender.”

Tina’s sister, Reama Malik, a mother of four and grandmother of two, taught her kids to invest in important items. Her philosophy was quality justifies high price points, and to make heirlooms purchases.

"You should splurge when it's jewelry, furniture, property or even clothing which can be passed down, or seen as an investment," said Reama. "Clothes of higher quality last longer, same with furniture."

But for items like household cleaning supplies or snacks, Reama continues to ditch brand names for the best prices.

For her niece Sheza Hamza, a mom of two, her mother's money lesson she has adopted is simple, “do not buy stupid things."

“Impulse buying and frivolous spending were always a ‘no,’" said Sheza. "It’s okay to treat yourself now and then but for the most part she made it clear we would be happier having the money later than the pleasure of a silly buy at the moment."

Her sister Shehreen Farhan, also a mom of two, has approached saving more meticulously, “70% spending, 20% saving and 10% charity. That’s my philosophy. Both my parents were careful but they were not very rigid or have a plan in place, for me that’s been a necessary step to learn as a mom now myself.”

To wrap up all the money lessons, I asked family matriarch Rakhsi her thoughts on a mom’s role in teaching her kids about money.

“For me, a lot of it was learning on the go. Kids are expensive, unexpected things can happen, and life changes in an instant, so you cannot be afraid of counting your money,” said Rakhshi, “and counting it is how you learn how to manage it. That should have been my top tip!”

MORE THAN A TOKEN: HAQ MEHAR, KNOW YOUR RIGHTS

In Pakistan there is no bigger conversation, celebration or expectation than that of marriage. Shadi is our national pastime. A cultural, social and religious institution that we take seriously and invest a lot of money in. Multiple events, hundreds of guests, taking out loans and saving money for it. One cannot think about Pakistani marriage without thinking about the costs but not enough emphasis is given to one of the most crucial financial obligations of a marriage:

Haq Mehar.

In the Islamic marriage contract the Nikah Nama covers haq mehar in clauses 13 - 16. It is a mandatory gift or token of respect given by the husband to the wife.

It is often a monetary amount. But It can be in the form of cash or gold or even property or another financial obligation that solely belongs to the wife. The mehar is in place on every nikah nama because it is something the wife is entitled to as a safety net for herself during the marriage or after if the marriage meets an end, either by circumstances outside of the spouses’ control or ter

mination.

The amount is meant to be decided upon by the bride and groom together, an amount that feels fair and respectful to th

eir present as well as their future goals.

There are two types of mehar, one which is promptly handed over to the bride on signage of the nikah nama, called Mu’ajjal, and then a deferred amount to be paid at a chosen date or time or whenever the wife asks for it, called Ghair Mu’wajjal. And the two are not mutually exclusive, a nikah nama can include both with some gifted now and some gifted later.

For example a monetary amount can be gifted at the time of the wedding ceremony and a year down the road property or jewelry or something else of value could be gifted between husband and wife

But in Pakistan the Haq Mehar’s significance often stops at being a “token” with many families putting down a minimal amount to fill the slot and not taking into account the importance of why it exists.

It is not uncommon to see the value jotted down as PKR 1 or only slightly more.

When couples in Pakistan get married often the first time they come into contact with a nikah nama is at their nikah when the ceremony has already begun. It leaves little time for a bride or groom to whip out their reading glasses and start taking in the contract they are binding themselves through.

But this money is money meant for half of the couple as protection. In fact, some courts in cases of separation and divorce will still award an amount to a wife even if it was not specified on the nikah nama because it is within her right to receive it. The importance of the mehar is such that one can evolve it throughout one’s marriage to match not only your own circumstances but that of the economy. A nikkahnama may be amended to increase the amount of Haq Mehar this is a great way to account for inflation and devaluation of monetary sums as dower.

Before signing the contract and embracing marriage, talking about your financial goals, hopes, dreams and present situation are crucial. The haq mehar plays a role in that and can be a topic that helps you and your new spouse get into the nitty gritty of how you feel about money, the role it plays in your lives and how you wish to handle money together as a unit going forward.

The haq mehar is not merely a token but an important step into your future together.